As a kid my Christmas were very traditional, we would spend Christmas day at my nans who lived in Finborough Road in Earls Court, and my relatives who lived in a village in Crondall would come down and stay with my nan and granddad. One of the grandkids would then help granddad dish out the presents, then we would have dinner and then watching Christmas TV all the adults would play cards, whilst the kids played with their new toys.
Even when my granddad died even it had changed slightly but not too much as we would have nan round to ours (my mum and dads flat in Hammersmith and then Richmond when we moved) and would then go to my relatives who lived in a village in Crondall for boxing day.
So we still kept the light going for Christmas, but then things started to really change, Christmases were never the same. My mum and dad had departed company and were divorced, it was tough because then it was who do we spend Christmas with, you don't want to exclude anyone as you don't want to upset mum or upset dad, but me and my brother spent time with dad in the morning who then did the usual went to the pub, me and my brother then went to my nans to spend time with my mum and then my brother then went off to see his then girlfriend. However it was just not the same, and it was the first year I couldn't wait for it to be over, I dreaded it.
This was when I became angry at Christmas it wasn't a joyous time, it was a time of people to become in debt, give presents that would end up gathering dust and would never be used, but they would still put on that fake smile to show they are grateful knowing that they will never use the gift and probably end up on ebay, and that was when my spark of Christmas that I had, had disappeared.
What I was doing was blaming Christmas for the break up in the family and not focusing on that rather than what was really going on, and I did become very depressed, this was when I was also struggling with food, and blamed food for it too, so decided to not eat but if I got so hungry I would go down stairs have little piece of crust of some bread we had and then go back up stairs in my bed and stay there. I could face going into work, or see anyone I just wanted to be left alone.
I decided to start my own tradition at Christmas